I've started this blog in my head about 60 times in the last couple of months. How do I begin? How do I explain everything that's happened in the last 15 years since I first found A Course in Miracles?
I decided to start in the middle of things. It's 3 am and I can't sleep because I'm busy hating my father. I woke up an hour ago, but my mind was taken hostage by this voice in my head that kept re-hashing his email of last night, plus every little selfish comment, every unfair treatment, and every unreasonable request he's ever made of me (I don't have to explain the specifics -- you have relatives too.) He's sucking me dry and it's just not fair. Not to mention he's done this to me in a half a dozen previous lives, but that's another story.
I suddenly become conscious that as long as I'm thinking of the past (what he's done to me) and the future (what I'm going to tell him when I speak to him) I am not present -- I'm lost in illusions. I decide to reclaim my mind.
I allow myself to feel the anger and then the pain. I feel it in my chest and for a second I wonder if I'm dying. I notice there's a wicked kind of pleasure in this feeling and that's why I resist letting it go. This is a HUGE step for me. In the past I've done some serious sweeping under the rug in the name of "happiness" and spirituality. I remember that the Course urges me to look for the monsters that hide in the closet. The Course says "Do not hide suffering from His sight, but bring it gladly to Him....Do not leave any spot of pain hidden from His light and search your mind carefully for any thoughts you may fear to uncover...." T p. 243. This is how we undo the ego system: we bring all our pain out of the closet and ask the Holy Spirit to reinterpret it.
So I finally decide there must be another way. My own judgment of the situation has only brought me pain. I am open for new interpretation!
I close my eyes and I invite the Holy Spirit to look at the situation with me. I begin to own the situation through forgiveness. I tell my father mentally (inspired from Gary Renard's books and seminars) "You're not really there. I made you up. Everything you appear to be doing to me is a projection of my own ego and its purpose is for me to forgive. You can't hurt me, because you are innocent, spiritual, pure and perfect. I forgive you and I release you."
I sit with this for a while and soon, I see clearly that the role my father is playing, I've assigned to him. How can I blame him for acting out my own wishes? I forgive him for what he has never done. A sense of freedom envelops me. My pulse goes back to normal. I breathe easier. My mind is quiet again.
Related post: Forgiving our parents: re-visiting our self-concept